Well you all know by now that I have experienced some huge highs and lows during my journey. But through talking to friends, classmates and my teachers, I’ve come to realize that that’s just what recovery is all about. When I returned to class on Thursday after my overdose, my classmates were happy to see me…but not surprised I had relapsed. My teachers were so supportive, but they didn’t gasp when I told them. They simply said that it was part of many people’s journey, and that they were happy I was back. Their reaction made me think about a point that was made in ‘co-dependency class’, “Set higher standards for yourself, and more appropriate goals.” I feel it speaks to my perfectionist past (and present…let’s not kid ourselves here…I was bummed when my tree pose at yoga looked more like a soggy noodle), and reminds me that I’m allowed to have high expectations of myself, but they need to be reasonable. Relapsing and overdosing again shattered my confidence and made me feel like a failure…again. But I’m human; it wasn’t realistic to think that overnight healing would be an appropriate goal. Now, I do wish that if relapse is part of recovery that it took the form of me skipping class secretly, and not in almost taking my own life. But it happened…there is nothing I can do about it. I need to keep my recovery standards high, but appropriate.
To Teach or Not to Teach? That is the Question
I went to church today with a close friend; it was a mission I needed to accomplish as per AB’s loving direction. AB knows that I am a spiritual person, but not an avid church-goer, and figured I would be able to take something home from being in that spiritual setting again. I must admit, while growing up I often found that the sermon given each time resonated with respect to some current contention in my life…and today was no exception. “Love your neighbour as you love yourself”, was the theme of the day. Interesting…and tricky! I promise I am the first ‘neighbour’ to not love any ‘neighbour’ who stands too close to me in a line-up. Anywhoo…the theme instantly reminded me of the few nay-sayers of my blog. To be fair, most of theses ‘devil’s advocate’s’ concern (pun intended), revolved around the possibility of the blog distracting me from completely focusing on my own recovery. Interesting thought neighbours…but allow me to share my own view on this topic. (Co-dependency class 101; Have an opinion. Don’t be passive…I got this!) If I am to love you as I love myself, why wouldn’t I share my journey in hopes of helping even one stigmatized mental health illness sufferer? What an amazing thing to be able to do! Document my own turbulent journey, allowing me to heal as I write (which I love to do), AND help someone who is going through the same or similar experiences? I’m pretty much loving neighbours everywhere by loving myself! So I would like to thank the handful of people who have expressed their concern that my blog is taking up my healing time… and remind them that this blog has allowed me to breathe again, rather than suffocate in darkness and stigma…and If by chance some neighbours get to breathe along with me….well AMEN!