Do you ever find yourself asking ‘why’ a lot? Why did a heartbreak happen? Why did a loved one die? Why did you have to withstand certain hardships? Why?… It’s like if we just got the answer somehow, our grief would lift, we would know how not to repeat the past, we would just do everything better. Well I ask this horrid questions all the time; especially in my times of depression. But when I’m in my dark place nothing about this question is simple. My ‘why’s’ about the world, the universe, our existence and more, are on a grandiose scale. It’s not the type of a calm, camping under the stars after a few drinks, ‘why are we here?’ question…When I’m in layer 4 of my depression nothing I see, touch, taste, feel, hear or sense seem real, and ‘why’ is an insatiable question.
I’ve tried to explain this feeling to AB and Ian because they have been so worried and confused while witnessing me cry on my bed, staring outside with my bleak outlook on life, asking why is there any reason for us as humans to even be here?…But it’s SO hard to describe. During these times the world to me is just painted in pain. For example, the beautiful tree on my lawn that I admired the day before, looks grim and scary and poses an overwhelming threat to the safety of the kids climbing on it outside; even when I cheered them on as they got to the second branch the day before. I feel impending doom all around me. Even if I logically know that everything is just the same as it was yesterday, the depression glasses I look through show the world in the form of a perpetual breaking-news highlight reminding me of all the sadness on this planet. Nothing seems to be ‘worth it’, because eventually everyone will go through pain no matter what. Again, I could tell myself all day long that the struggles we have make us stronger and teach us amazing life lessons… blah blah blah...I could sing ‘Hakuna Matata’ until Walt Disney rolled over in his grave…I still couldn’t see happiness when I’m so lost in my horrible darkness. It’s such a dismal set of eyes to look through; all I see is sadness. (Depressing isn’t it….exactly.)
As you can tell, trying to describe this terrible feeling to someone who has never suffered from depression is just so difficult. With all respect, I liken it to how difficult it would be for me to try to describe what a rainbow looks like to a blind person. Words…mean…nothing. So when some random person tells me that I should ‘just change the way I’m thinking’, or ‘look on the bright side’ I want to scream! It’s like saying to the blind man that he should ‘just imagine the rainbow harder’. THAT wouldn’t be acceptable, so why is it any different? BOTH of our worlds are only able to be understood through OUR eyes. I know most people mean well…I know they want so desperately to make us happy…but the only way to do that is through understanding and education.
My teacher said something very interesting the other day. She said, ‘Why ask why? When the best answer we could possibly come up with is an assumption at best.” She then wisely suggested that maybe we should use that ‘why-searching’ energy on learning how accept the times we just don’t have an answer. I intend on taking her advice. 🙂