I need to write…I’m frustrated as hell. I’ve been ‘positive’, ‘positive’ way too long! Today is balls! I feel so gross in my own skin. It’s gloomy and dark outside so that totally doesn’t help! I’m so exhausted at working so hard to exist today. I love everyone who’s helping me so much that I think I haven’t truly given myself permission to scream yet. I don’t want anyone to worry…so I keep hopelessness inside, even hidden from me. Well today sucks! It’s been one thing after another and I feel like no matter how many steps ahead I get, a sledgehammer is waiting around the corner to whack me in the face…and then laugh at me.
Someone I know died two days ago. It’s horrible and sad and tragic. My heart is being pulled in SO many directions! I feel so devastated for the family…my heart breaks for the pain they are enduring…I think ‘how can I be sad when so many are being ripped to shreds with grief?’…but I still want to vomit with heartache. And then I think, ‘I could have put my family through that!’…how awful! MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSES ARE RUINING SO MANY LIVES! I AM SO MAD AT THIS DISEASE!
What is this world for anyway? Tell me! All I see right now is pain! All love seems to end in despair at some point…so what IS THE POINT? The clock of our hearts and souls are ticking only to stop at some cruel moment…when we least expect it. We just all wait…for what?…Discomfort and sorrow? I can hear lots of you saying, ‘Wow we’ve never really heard Nat like this before…’, well this blog is about honesty, so this is how I honestly feel.
I’m mad! I’m mad that I can’t use any of my vices to release this pain! I’m mad that other people can drink and I can’t. I’m mad that I can’t drown this disgusting feeling! I’m heartbroken that my son asked if I had anything to drink tonight while on the phone at his grandparents. I’m mad that I can’t punch the walls and scream! I’m mad at the sadness in this world. All I can do is pace the hall, over and over. Or lay in bed with my leg shaking on the brink of an anxiety attack. I’m not depressed right now..I’m pissed! 100% legitimately pissed off with life. All I want is an Imovane and to go to bed. My arch nemesis today is time! ‘Time heals everything’, ‘Let time do the work’, ‘Some time just needs to pass’…heard it ALL! Hell, I’ve even given those awe-inspiring crappy pieces of advice myself. Well ‘time that heals’ just seems to lead into another shitty time…just saying.
OK I’m going to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and hate my busy head. And hope with ‘time’ I’ll fall asleep.