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Paramedic Nat

A Blog About a Paramedic's Mental Health Journey

Month

February 2017

So Much Worry

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Why is self-care so difficult for me sometimes? I get so frustrated with the mental energy it takes for me to ACTUALLY do something.

This is my brain today:

Let’s see if it’s sunny out-I don’t want to get out of bed-I should pee now-I don’t think I have to yet-the cat is so sweet and laying on my legs so I must not move in order to let her sleep-how caring of me-I know that’s an excuse to stay in bed longer-if I get up I will maybe do some laundry-it depends, I should have a nap first-nap-wake up-the cat is still on my legs, how sweet-I will hold her hand for a while-I should post this on Instagram-take picture-post-I really have to pee now-I should take Walter and the kids on a walk somewhere-but where?-beach is too sandy-lakeshore is too peopley-stores are too loud-I think I see a snowflake-we should stay in, it’s safer-pee (finally)-I should NOT look at that first Facebook video-watch the video-it leads to another-and another-and another-how will I pay that bill?- I hate appointments-what food should I make- do people actually like making spring rolls from scratch?-I need to get the cats fixed- I do not wanting to talk to WSIB again- I dread listening to voicemails-the snow is melting and there is so much dog poo to pick up- I hate spring cleaning-when it’s sunny I will feel even more guilty that I don’t go outside-why are we here on this planet?-do other people think like this?-why is everything so hard?-why are people selfish?-why is time going so slowly?-what happens when we die?-is this all a dream?-there is so much bad in the world-how can someone kill another person?-how messed up is my brain?-I hate waiting to see how I will feel tomorrow-do people go outside and actually want to?-are there actually people in this world who like to do stuff?-do people really like to surf?-why would anyone want to surf with sharks?-do people go to the beach and not look at the time to see when they can leave and at least feel like they accomplished something that day, only to have to get their car so sandy and need to vacuum it?-do people really not mind vacuuming?-I wish I could be in their head-to feel what it’s like to like to do things-I only like to be in bed-I like to do my talks, but small talk is so hard-I worry that people think I’m ok-I don’t LOOK sick-I hate worrying-it’s so much…

Chapters-Side By Side with Clara Hughes 


I have had a busy few months! Save-My-Life School is doing very well and today I just about fell over when I was sent a picture of my book on an end cap at a Chapters in Brampton, Ontario, with my inspiration, Olympian and mental health ambassador Clara Hughes’ book Open Heart Open Mind! How can words ever describe my gratitude? I don’t think it’s possible…but I will try! 

Two and a half years ago I had no idea how to even write a blog. I was sick, scared and desperate to die, when a friend suggested I start to talk about the emotions and darkness I had hid behind for so many years. So, at my dining room table, I typed a few sentences, blogging that I was about to share a journey, a very unknown journey at that time, with the world. 

I hoped that I could help someone else out there who was suffering from mental illnesses just like me. After I published that first post, I felt naked, vulnerable and scared of what people would think of me. But it was out there, and I couldn’t take it back. 

The next day my blog was being shared by others on social media, and messages began to trickle in. People, so many people, understood my pain and were hopeful that I would keep writing so that they could learn through me. So that their family could learn through me. I had no idea what the future held for me back then. I definitely had no idea I was about to share a journey through hell to recovery – From despair to unwavering hope. The universe was taking me down a path it had planned for me some time ago – and all I had to do was let it lead the way. 


Fast forward to present day when a beautiful friend named Kim Forster introduced me to Heather Down, owner and publisher for Wintertickle Press – and we clicked. Kim saw a message in my words that needed to be shared and Heather was more that willing to oblige. After months of editing, Save-My-Life School was born. No expectations, just a new avenue for my message. 


I had no idea that people would be so supportive. My faith in humanity soared. 


Clara has been one of my biggest supporters! My inspiration and idol told me to never stop talking and sharing my story, so I listened and she continues to cheer me on to this day. My gratitude has no measurement. It overflows my heart every single day. ❤


So I’ve been talking, a lot. People are listening and learning. Hope is spreading and lives are changing. It’s a wonderful gift to witness this every day. 


Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Whatever will be will be. But for tonight, I sit in my bed, in the same spot I have written most of my blogs and edited my book, with my kids fast asleep in their rooms, happy and healthy. My fur babies snuggled up beside me. Sour cream and onion chips waiting on my side table. Life is good. 

Dear Universe, 

Keep taking me where you need me. 

~Nat 

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