You know that tunnel? The one with the light at the end of it? I hate that tunnel. No matter how hard I try to stay in the light, because the light IS wonderful, I find even the smallest thing pull me back into the cold, damp, tiring tunnel. Sometimes the gratitude I feel when I’m in the light is so strong that it seems like it will never go away. I at times feel like I’ve baracaded the tunnel. But I’m always afraid to look back to check if the barricade is falling down. I’m seeing that it falls down on a regular basis – for everyone, every creature, every living being, and that makes me sad.
It hurts me so much to see my kids sad or worried or afraid. When that happens I get angry inside immediately. Not at them, but at the world. I get mad that they need feel that way. I get mad that an innocent creature like my dog Walter has to get an eye infection and not understand why, and have to deal with me putting medicine into his eyes. I get mad that my cat is developing theses twitches that apparently cause her to hallucinate and be uncomfortable, and that there is no cure or explanation as to why. I get mad that anyone could abandon a kitten- just leave it behind when they move! You may be saying to yourselves that my examples aren’t that bad – that there are much greater atrocities in this world. Well that just further reiterates my point. I get mad that this shitty tunnel needs to exist so that we can eventually ‘see the light’.
As I sit awake in bed, with Walter fast asleep on my leg, my kids comfy and warm in their beds and my cat drinking out of the cup of water on my side table, I try to get out of the tunnel. I try to convince myself that it’s really not that bad. But I can’t seem to convince myself tonight.
This world still must be hell. I’m still determined to change that somehow. But how? For whatever reason the positive self talk isn’t working today. I want my kids to be happy, to love their lives and to not worry about all the enormous stresses of school and life and love. I want my pets to be happy and healthy – they are so innocent.
I’ve heard somewhere that the tunnel is an illusion; I understand that concept. But the illusion is still FELT, and experienced and still causes pain. I want to know why there can’t always be light.