We should wait…it’s nice. But oh so hard. Waiting is almost frowned upon in our society. Everything needs to be now. Faster. Yesterday. Hurry up and move through time so that you can be where you need to be tomorrow. So much rushing around…and I am very much guilty of it.
I have learned so much about mindfulness and living in the moment, but no matter how much I learn I still find myself living insatiability. Wanting to do more, be more, love more. It’s not easy living life this way, but overall, it’s all I know.
My addiction tells me to think of the years in my future without a drink rather than allow me to be without and to enjoy that astounding accomplishment. My PTSD tells me that I should be better, healthier than I am, that enough time has elapsed and that I should just know how to be ok now. My depression keeps me looking around the next corner to see if the darkness is lurking, rather than stand in the sunshine and tan in the rays of happiness. My brain just keeps on going…and going, when really it should learn to wait.
It’s a difficult balance living in the now while lunging for the future. Stretched over miles of time, my body gets thin and weak some days. But it’s who I am I suppose. The girl who lives in realms unknown. Who lives in an abyss of seconds and minutes. The girl who isn’t afraid of her last day, but who is terrified of the future. I am definitely that girl.
When I press ‘publish’, this blog will be no longer waiting. The words no longer dangling in my mind. No longer able to live in the now of the feeling of the keys under my fingers. It will be finished and I will be on to the next blog. Trying while I do, to live in the now, but lost in the second that just went by.