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A Blog About a Paramedic's Mental Health Journey

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To Clara, With Love

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January 28, 2014 – Bell Let’s Talk Day. I was sitting in my living room watching TV with family members when Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes came onto the screen. I had definitely seen her before. I remember literally sitting on the edge of my seat cheering her on as she won medal after medal in both the winter and summer games. She represented so much strength and courage. She was OUR Canadian athlete! – And she had made us so proud! I wasn’t sure right away why she was on the news that night, but it was no coincidence that I was watching, because as she began to talk and share about her mental health struggles, I felt a sudden, incredible feeling of validation and rare happiness. Olympian Clara Hughes had been battling a dark road of depression, as I had been, and suddenly after hearing her speak, I knew that one day I would share my story too.

Oct 6, 2014 – The the first time I ever shared anything publicly about my dark world. I started a blog, and this is what I wrote.

Hi Everyone,

This is a big deal for me. This first blog will be short; but to me its HUGE. I’ve been battling a mental health illness and I feel it’s time to talk about it; but it’s not easy. Let me start by saying, today is the first day of my partial hospitalization mental health program. I have a long road ahead of me, which started years ago. I want to share it with you and possibly help anyone who has been battling a mental health illness with a stigma so big it often keeps our minds closed to the pain these illnesses cause.

Stay tuned if you would like. I will be posting often.

~MedicNat

Fast forward to today, March 28, 2017, and I have developed a friendship with that same amazing Canadian Olympian, Clara Hughes. She has written the foreword to my book Save-My-Life School, and after she sent me this (among many) shout-out, this is what I replied.

Dear Clara, ❤

I can say without a doubt that this book would never have even be even a figment of my imagination if I had not seen you on TV a few years back honestly sharing about your mental health journey!

YOU made vulnerability something beautiful to me!

YOU showed me that I didn’t need to hide anymore, and that every time I shared my own journey, stigma would melt away from me – and it did.

YOU encouraged me through messages and emails when I was battling the darkness that still grabs a hold of me sometimes.

YOU told me to never stop – and I won’t.

Over time my posts may lessen and my voice may not be as loud, but by inspiring me to have the courage to put my heart and soul into Save-My-Life School, my message will never be gone.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You are such a wonderful friend ❤

Sending you SO MUCH LOVE.

~Nat xo

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Here’s to many more years of friendship! Love you dearly Clara! XO

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Toronto Eaton Centre Book Signing

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Former Simcoe County and Peel Region paramedic turned author, Natalie Harris, pens raw and honest memoir about her battle with PTSD, depression, addiction and suicide titled Save-My-Life School, ISBN 978-1-894813-91-4.

In 2012, Harris attended a grizzly double murder that caused her to spiral into a challenging battle with mental illness. As part of her recovery, she started a blog that has since had almost 200,000 hits and grabbed the attention of Canada’s favourite Olympian and mental health advocate, Clara Hughes who wrote the Foreword for this title.

Clara Hughes writes, “There is no one audience for Natalie’s writings; I truly feel she writes for us all.”

Harris’s book, Save-My-Life School expands on her recovery process, giving a real-life glimpse into the mind and thoughts of someone suffering with mental illness. In the second week after its release this January, the book reached the #2 spot on the Amazon.ca Kindle Store’s “Hot New Memoir List,” one spot ahead of Anderson Cooper’s The Rainbow Comes.

Harris will be at the Eaton Centre Indigo, April 3rd for a book signing from 6 – 8 p.m.

For more information or to book media appearances, please contact:
Heather Down (PR Manager)
Heather.down@live.com

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I’m A Bell Let’s Talk Ambassador 


In the words of my 11-year old son, “Whoop Whoop!”

So happy to have been asked by Bell Let’s Talk Team Leader Anita Levesque from Health Minds Canada, to be a 2017 Bell Let’s Talk Ambassador! Along side amazing mental advocates such as Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes, I will be spreading the word and sharing campaign awareness so that we can break down the walls of mental health stigma!

I will also be releasing my book Save-My-Life School on Jan 25th with a portion of the proceeds donated by me to mental health initiatives! You can order your copy today at Winterticklepress.com or https://m.indigo.ca/product/books/save-my-life-school-a/9781894813914 or https://www.amazon.co.uk/Save-My-Life-School-responders-mental-journey/dp/189481391X or https://www.amazon.com/dp/189481391X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483803289

Every voice counts! Please retweet and share my Bell Let’s Talk posts.

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Social Media Press Release 


https://www.prlog.org/12611759-gruesome-double-murder-leaves-lasting-effects-on-first-responder.html

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Book Launch Jan 25th!

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FROM THE PUBLISHER
This intense and engaging memoir is based on the true-life of Natalie Harris. Mental illness, post-traumatic stress injury, overdoses and addiction are some of the demons this paramedic-turned-author deals with–stemming from a horrific double-murder call. This incredible story makes public the very private battles many face. This book is raw, honest and a window into the mind of someone facing mental illness. Although a serious topic, this biography is at times laugh-out-loud funny, poignant and simply a good, entertaining read. This is a must-have for anyone who wants a cover-to-cover book that keeps you on the edge of your seat. To me, it is a Bridget Jones’ Diary meets Girl Interrupted.

THE AUDIENCE
Obviously, this title will appeal to first responders such as paramedics, firefighters and police officers. However, this title will also be of interest to those suffering with or suffering beside people experiencing mental illnesses and/or addiction. In Canada alone, there are 4.5 million people with mental illnesses.

COMPARABLE TITLE
Last year, Jody Mitic released Unflinching: The Making of a Canadian Sniper. Like Natalie’s book, Jody’s had a specific audience as well as widespread interest. His book touched on PTSD; and akin to Natalie, he worked in a field with a very unique culture.
ENDORSEMENTS

Natalie and her writing are highly supported and endorsed by many people with influence. The foreword is written by six-time Olympian, Clara Hughes. In addition, all three levels of government officials have written endorsements for the book. This includes, Arif Khan, Barrie City Council, Ann Hogarth, MPP, and John Brassard, MP.

Link to Book on Indigo:
https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/…/sa…/9781894813914-item.html

You can also preorder at winterticklepress.com

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My Version of a Christmas Classic

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T’was the night before Christmas, and everything’s good,

It’s been two whole years since my stay at Homewood.

The stockings are hung, I found them this year,

No wine in my mug, my head is so clear.

The children are happy, all childlike and kind,

While memories, some sad ones, are stuck in rewind.

No tears in my kerchief, and no more night-caps,

I’ve escaped the relentless delusional traps.

Addiction once owned every piece of my mind,

But now I am living so free and not blind.

Away to the window, I see a new dawn,

The world isn’t dark now, I’m so less withdrawn.

The moon in the sky can still make me feel antsy,

I’ve gained a few pounds but they make me look fancy.

Little ol’ me loves to live in the now,

My chakras aligned, ‘no regrets’ is my vow.

My kids see me laugh now and say that I glow.

No hugs filled with wine breath, that’s so long ago.

Now Walter, Now Pepsi, Now Oliver play

With Carol and Adam on each silly day.

We snuggle and tickle and joke all year long,

And a drive isn’t finished ’til Adam’s new song.

I’m off to wrap presents I somehow afford,

Remembering always this day’s for the Lord.

With gratitude flowing I no longer fight.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

 

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Walk Down a Different Street

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Does this sound familiar to you? “It’s 6am already? Ugh I wish it was Saturday. Make the kids lunch, ok where is the bread? We don’t have bread. How do we not have bread?! Ugh…hotdog buns it is. Ok, so I have that appointment at 2, but I need to get the oil changed at 3 so I may have to leave the appointment early. Donald Trump is President! You’ve gotta be kidding me! I’m so tired of hearing about that election. I didn’t know he had two daughters. Ok where’s the dog’s leash. Why do my children never walk the dog? Who practiced their knots with the leash around the bannister? That’s it! Who made a fort in the living room last night?! Where is that leash? Oh yes, the bannister. Coffee! Yes please! What time is it? Oh my God it’s only 7am…”

Life! Busy, busy life! How do we even begin to live a peaceful and happy life with all of the chaos around us all the time? How do we sleep with so many tragedies happening every day? Well, what if I told you that the conditions in our life are NOT the causes of our suffering? What if I told you that the thoughts we choose to think and the situations we choose to place ourselves in are the causes of our suffering?

Living a peaceful life IS possible with the gift of mindfulness. But in order to reap the rewards of mindfulness to its fullest, our chaotic minds can benefit by taking a few steps to declutter them first.

This week, the Buddhist Centre teacher shared that Atisha (a Buddha from 982 AD) stated  that in the beginning of embarking on a spiritual path (peaceful life) our minds are not stable (i.e. filled with chaos) making it difficult to take and hold any teachings. Furthermore, Atisha suggested that we take the following three steps to develop external conditions and declutter our minds:

Disclaimer: I am NOT an expert at this by any means. Like not even close! However, from my attempts at practising these steps, I can say that they have definitely improved the calmness in my mind and life.

  1. Avoid places that disturb your mind. Easier said than done for sure, but if you REALLY think about it, I bet you CAN avoid places that disturb your mind more than you realize. For example, you know that when you walk down a certain street, a dog in a neighbour’s backyard will bark and startle you, which always makes you mad. Can you choose to walk down a different street?
  2. Try not to engage in worldly distractions. To me, this is an easy one. Turn off your TV or radio. You don’t NEED to hear every station’s thoughts on the election. You may be obsessed with hearing these worldly distractions more than you know, and by turning them off you are automatically removing an external source of stress.
  3. Avoid spending time with people who may have a negative impact on you. I know that we can’t avoid certain people in our lives so easily, but take a moment to stay true to your right to live in a peaceful environment by really thinking about how you can lessen the time with negative people. For example, maybe you don’t like your boss, it definitely happens. But do you NEED to sit and eat lunch with the group of staff who only complain about him or her all the time, thus making it feel like your boss is even with you at lunch? No, you don’t. You may feel out of place making the choice to eat on your own for the first little while, but the freedom from gossip will be well worth you efforts.

It makes me sad when I see and hear about people who don’t feel they can improve their lives or decrease the clutter in their mind. All I can say is, if I can do it, ANYONE can! It takes practice and mindfulness to be aware of when you have the opportunity to practice one of Atisha’s three suggestions – but it’s really worth the effort.

 

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5 Facts About My PTSD Symptoms

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Living with a post traumatic stress injury sucks. Living with addiction and depression sucks. Let me highlight some reasons why.

  1. I often can’t remember who you are. I know that it’s common to forget a name when we meet an individual again, but I literally forget that I have ever even met you at all! This doesn’t happen all the time, but it’s common enough that I avoid large gatherings for fear that the person whom I’m talking to is expecting that I remember them. I try so hard to practice name association, but that memory technique is completely useless when I can’t remember that we’ve ever met.  It’s an embarrassing fact about my life now.
  2. I rarely leave my house. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. I try to get out and enjoy the nice weather, but there is not a single bone in my body that wants to do so. Noises like motorcycles, loud mufflers, chainsaws and busses put me into full anxiety mode. I try to plug my ears fast enough, but it’s usually too late. When the noise comes at me all I want to do is sit in my room with my fan on which provides enough white noise to block out the world and to have a window open from time to time.
  3. I can be very apathetic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a caring person; buried deep down is my desire to help people all the time – which makes sense as I have been a paramedic for fourteen years. But allowing strong emotions such as love to bubble to the surface as much as I allowed it to before, is very scary to me. My ability to logically match an appropriate reaction to an emotion has changed, often causing me to worry and over reacted to something quite minor. So I avoid feeling all together. My kids are a different story, I love them so much I could explode, but as for any intimate relationship in the future I am doubtful any will last, so I imagine myself living alone on a mountain, and somehow I’m completely ok with that.
  4. I constantly fear that you don’t believe me. There is a liar in my head that tells me that anyone who has not experienced PTSD, depression or addiction doesn’t believe me. It tells me that people are just nice to my face, but that behind closed doors they roll their eyes and laugh at me. I suppose that’s why almost ALL of my friends have changed to one’s who ‘get it’, and that’s ok. I know that for the most part that people support me, but the liar convinces me from time to time that even my closest friends and family think I’m putting on somewhat of an act. That I could just pull up my sox and stop being so glum and useless. It’s funny how I think that people think that I want to be sad.
  5. I forget really important things. Not only do I forget that I’ve met you, I forget things that are super important. Doctors appointments, to pick people up…heck I even forget what I’ve forgot!  Eff!

The struggle is REAL.

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My Reflection on the Healing Power of Vulnerability

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I’m approaching 40 years old, but have amazingly done most of my personal growth in just one. Crazy right? Whoa! Natalie! Back up! Are you really going to use the word ‘crazy’ when you’re a mental health advocate? What impression will people get of you? So there it is…a perfect example of how a lifetime of depression-guided, self-appraisal can to this day influence how I think (or over-think) I’m making an impression on people.

Even though recovering from the dark world of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and addiction has undoubtedly strengthened my confidence and inner-peace, there is still a side of me, (the tattoo-free side I suppose), that deeply safeguards my albeit false, perpetually smiling image. But why does this side of me still care what image I am portraying? I really have nothing to hide! I have already very publicly announced, and illustrated to thousands of my blog readers who the Natalie is behind a fragile bubble of incessant laughter. People already know that I have travelled from the relentless hell of suicidal ideation, to the heaven of self-acceptance and love. So why would I still worry about whether or not I make a good impression, when I know that I am a good person, and when I’m pretty candid about, well…everything?

I think the answer lies in the fact that I am still a woman who battles mental illness in a world that often smiles and nods in the lime-light of mental health awareness, but quickly closes the blinds when the cameras are off to retreat to the comfortable world of complacency; and that fact alone can make even me feel like I should retract certain impressions that I’ve made.

Promoting a stigma-free world is somewhat of a social hot-topic these days, but ‘hot-topic talk’ is cheap when lives are still being lost because many people simply give the impression that they maintain a stigma-free view of people who battle mental health illnesses, when really they would rather gargle hornets than speak out about the stigma-acts they still witness. – So no wonder depression still makes an impression on even me.

But alas, my doubts about speaking up and fighting for the suppression of mental health stigma always subside, and I soon feel the need to strip down to my core beliefs again. I think from time to time that some people probably roll their eyes because my blog posts still appear on Facebook and Twitter, but I won’t stop speaking the words that so many still can’t say. Besides, at the end of the day your impression of me is really none of my business anyway.

I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and the world is a much better place when I don’t have to hide. Inner-strength is much deeper than the clothes, and THAT is the impression I fight to leave.

*A tremendous thank you to Pie Magazine (Editor Sandra Roberts and Photographer Jeff Buchanan), for the opportunity to embrace yet another level of strength through vulnerability, and to learn how beautiful living without a mask can be. xo

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